Shannon.L Alder once said “carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the mind of others and the stories they share about you.”
I was six, when I asked my mother, “What does death mean mommy?” she answered “ death is not when you stop breathing sweetheart and the person you love walks to heaven, death is when you are reborn, breathing or not. ” I didn’t get her words back then neither I do now. I have read about death, loss and rebirth stuff in religion or novels. But when it comes to my real life I have seen my grandmother died. I have seen her stop breathing that made me understood death is just a term to describe when a person’s heart fails his or her system.
I have been told to live as if today would be my last day. Every day I live I think of what I want to be remembered for. I am not afraid of my life ending the very next moment. That is easy for me to say because maybe I don’t have cancer or I don’t have a doctor telling me how much my life expectancy is. On a serious note, I want you to ask yourself one question.
Are you afraid of death?
What would you do if you had this very day to be alive? Would you tell people you love what they meant to you? Would you eat your favorite cuisine or read your favorite book one last time? Would you apologize for your mistakes?
If you ask me I don’t have a damn answer of above questions I asked you. Because I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to be dying. I don’t know how much agony it causes to know someone you love will be gone. And never again you are gonna hear them talk or hold their hand. There is someone out there fighting for each breath at the moment.
I want to leave my legacy behind. Most of us want to. But apart from being remembered, I want to touch the lives of many. I want people to come out of their shell. To stop doubting and question their existence. Because each one of us has the right to be vulnerable. we fight with ourselves and we die. Our system doesn’t fail us. But our fears and regrets do. They are part of who we are. Our mistakes make us stronger.
Some of you may won’t be afraid of death. But I am. I don’t want to be dead while I am still breathing. At times, this life can be hard or unfair and things won’t work out the way it should. But believe me, there is something far better waiting for you ahead.
When you truly love someone, you are afraid to lose that person. I have trust issues when it comes to lose control over my emotion and let someone in. because once I loved and I got my heart-broken. I am not afraid to get my heart broken that I am scared to face emptiness and darkness all over again.
You may think I have a weak heart. I used to at least. But now sometimes my action hurt the people around me. I didn’t want to be cold-hearted but life forces you to take whatever it does for survival. If you had met me in a person you would have known me as every teenage girl. But when you ask yourself; who you are? You won’t get answers. You won’t get clarity that you want.
I am not afraid of death. But I am scared of the future. I am scared of letting someone close and get my barely healed heart get wounded again. I may be distant sometimes but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I really do. But sometimes you just need time to figure out who you are and what you want to be.
Make sure you get all your answers before summer ends. Because I am not yet giving up on death. I am gonna breathe and live.
Have a good summer.