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LOSS OF INNOCENCE

The anger behind those eyes and the rage of not being understood, and loneliness that follows along with the night when sleep is miles away to come. The belts from my childhood abuses that cuts my skin so raw and embers still burn in my adult life. From the scenes of the last episode of my abusive years as a victim; I still suffer the inability to communicate with the strangers, not knowing whom to trust anymore. Finding difficult to understand these emotions of pain and suffering; inside my woman body. There’s this huge hole punched into my chest that sucks out every ounce of strength I have to hold on to this dear life. Some days are just worse than the others, and if taking your own life had been an easier option I would have done years back. Yet; the yelling continues and in order to think who won the fight, I lost myself in that race.

There is this constant battle to control my demons, and I hope one day I win this war and find my way back to make peace with my soul.

I am still a slave to those memories, at the cost of my innocence.

I ought to forgive you and make bad dreams leave me.

I would still wonder what did I do wrong,

I sinned and brought down shame on our love.

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Attachment or Love?

What is the difference between an attachment and feeling true love for someone?
Often people misunderstand the idea of love with attachment. Attachment is like clinging on to people, holding on to them,

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to fulfill your desire. The idea of romance is a projection of thinking that another person makes us complete. That is an attachment. Loving involves saying “I want you to be happy with or without me“. Whereas attachment is a prophecy that says “I want us to be happy together “. That’s what makes the relationship tricky. Loving someone genuinely is like letting water flow.

Not molding and damaging it with your expectations of making you or your desire to fulfill. When you, yourself satisfied with the person you are. You can love genuinely. Not with expectations. Not with the projection of romance. The idea of love is much more than holding on to a person. The more tightly you cling, chances are more you will suffer. Be self-sufficient. So you don’t have to hold to someone else to complete you on the name of love and when two people who are self-sufficient themselves. Who let the other be as free as the bird. Who has acceptance towards each other? That’s love. And that is the idea of a real romance.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

To true love,

Pankti

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Today

Present a gift or curse?

How many people wake up every morning?  Aimlessly, wondering what do they truly want from their life? Well talking about people would be a little paranoiac because among them I am the one living creature who really doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life.

I have a confused persona one moment I want to learn French while another playing guitar! I have the most veering mind anyone could ever deal with! Well, the most confused personas are the one who really just don’t wake up aimlessly and sip their cup of coffee. They ponder, over analyze and work on their dreams.

Our decision reflects us who we are in the outer world. Be it a good decision or really a bad one; who is gonna give a shit about it?! Well, we do.

Always so obsessed about what society expects us to be, we gradually forget who we really are. I wonder why people always want us to forget our past and move on. As if nothing happens to the part of suffering we have been through! Some memories are burn while some are bliss. At this age, I rarely recall my childhood days or primary school friends. Human memory is weak, forgetful.  And so we are forgetting our real charms.

What it feels like to be free like a bird!? Souring in open sky; even a bird has to be through rough damn weather during migration. That is how human life is. Endlessly running! We are never good at appreciating what we have at present but unsatisfied with the luxury we don’t possess.  That’s what makes us humans a futurist!

We are so obsessed by our future plans and terrified by our past; that somewhere in the middle of nowhere we forget we have today. I feel the time is running slow, while you are the one running fast. Missing your life, your relations; barely alive yet not living. Why? Just because you hope your future will be peaceful? I don’t think so; I believe in today because it helps me to keep on going whatever the future beheld for me. You should definitely hear this piece of music “Today is the day” by Ellen DeGeneres.

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring for you, but I am sure you can live today. Make this very day count. Make this year count.

Today is the only day.

Live.

Be happy.

Menstruation

It’s alluring how every month I bleed,
It’s a pool of red blood shredded on a white sheet of a battleground.
The first few days are painful cramps, that always makes me puke.
followed by horrible mood swings that make me feel depressed and lonely all together.
And still, as if nothing is wrong with my body.
I put up a smile like a strong warrior, walk off to school, colleges, work.
Cook for my family, drop off kids to school. And innumerable task I perform each day of my life.
Gifted with a blessing of carrying a life for nine months inside my womb, while my body has been enduring pain since my teens every month, the same cycle.
Yes, we bleed every month, we have tampons/pad between our legs for five days a month. And we do get upset. Our hormones kick the ass out of our body.
We are a woman with a natural phenomenon nature has blessed us with. Menstruation is not a taboo. And talking about menstruation is not a crime. Her endurance is her power.

Modern Prejudice Against The Name Of Feminism

How difficult it is for a woman to pursue her career in our Indian culture? Ambitious women are often stepping hurdle to male ego in our society. Thou in the era of 21-century Indian women are overcoming every limitation drawn by society and our culture, irrespective of caste, creed or religion.

I feel this constant pressure by the society as crossing my twenties to behave or dress in an adequate manner. Sometimes I consider it is just a transition of stepping into adult life from teenage. In our culture “Young Women” are considered as some kind of cultural reputation ambassador for a family.

Son(s) are considered to step out and start earning. Whereas once a daughter(s) crosses the age limit of her twenties, parents are worried, relatives are worried as if whole social culture is worried for her to settle down and start a family. Here my generalize point of view is “Are we teaching our daughters to be more self-reliable? Or teaching them that a degree is a pass-way ticket to find a good graduate groom with a number of zeros behind one?”

“The feminism of equality, of toughness, of anti-discrimination, has been overwhelmed by one of victimhood and demands for special treatment….At a certain point, when we demand an equal ratio of men to women in certain fields, what we’re criticizing is not “the system,” but the choices that women themselves are making…..let’s keep our eye on the question of equal opportunity and stop obsessing about equal outcomes, lest we find ourselves trying to cure society, not of sexism, but of free choice.”
Elizabeth Wasserman

We have been talking since a decade about women empowerment, gender equality, and feminism.

If a woman has a degree, she equally deserves chance and time to explore her growth, where she wants to work, what kind of stream she is comfortable with. Like men do, women should be given space and liberty to explore her area of interest, until she is sure and certain of what she wants in her career as well as in her personal life. Regardless, don’t limit her with numbers, how old she is, how much more she has to study? When she will settle. Nearly in the late twenties, the clock is ticking by.

Well, unless and until our society won’t stop restricting women from various above factors. Words like woman empowerment and feminism are just words in speeches and quotes.

Modern prejudice still exists. We like it or not. Judgments are still passed and it is a characteristic of human nature. If a woman is given wings, there should not be any boundaries or periphery that limits her journey or destination.

For many families may be a priority, for some career and for few both. It’s all about perspective how you view it. Let Indian women choose what comes first in her priority list. Don’t pressurize her, don’t limit her and stop asking damn questions. That’s when true feminism is applicable.

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Our daughters, sister, and women of our country graduate and work to be themselves, to stand for what they are, not to prove men, not to prove society. And if she chooses to get married at the age of twenty-one or thirty-five, choose to be a mother or not. Marries her career or man or prefer adoption over natural birth. All the choices are solely her.

It’s not a question of giving her freedom or choice, approval or acceptance. It’s about letting her free and let her be the best version of what she can be without damaging her virtue and self -esteem.

In the hope of practical approach towards feminism;

With love,

Pankti

The changing future beholds- Past, Present, and Future of the Automation Industry

INTRODUCTION

The term automation was coined in the automobile industry in the year 1946 to describe the increased use of automatic devices and controls in mechanized production lines. The origin of the word was done by  D.S. Harder, an engineering manager at the Ford Motor Company at the time. The term is used widely in a manufacturing context, but it is also applied outside manufacturing in connection with a variety of systems in which there is a significant substitution of mechanical, electrical, or computerized action for human effort and intelligence.

Automation technology has matured to a point where a number of other technologies have developed from it and have achieved a recognition and status of their own. Robotics is one of these technologies; it is a specialized branch of automation in which the automated machine possesses certain anthropomorphic, or humanlike, characteristics. The most typical human-like characteristic of a modern industrial robot is its powered mechanical arm. The robot’s arm can be programmed to move through a sequence of motions to perform useful tasks, such as loading and unloading parts at a production machine or making a sequence of spot-welds on the sheet-metal parts of an automobile body during assembly. As these examples suggest, industrial robots are typically used to replace human workers in factory operations.

Industrial Robotics

Industrial robotics is an automation technology that has received considerable attention since about 1960. Robotics is based on two related technologies: numerical control and teleoperators. Numerical control (NC) is a method of controlling machine tool axes by means of numbers that have been coded on punched paper tape or other media. It was developed during the late 1940s and early 1950s. The first numerical control machine tool was demonstrated in 1952 in the United States at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

Teleoperator is a mechanical manipulator that is controlled by a human from a remote location. Initial work on the design of teleoperators can be traced to the handling of radioactive material.

The Robot Manipulator

The most widely accepted definition of an industrial robot is one developed by the Robotic Industries Association:

An industrial robot is a reprogrammable, multifunctional manipulator designed to move materials, parts, tools, or specialized devices through variable programmed motions for the performance of a variety of tasks.

The technology of robotics is concerned with the design of the mechanical manipulator and the computer systems used to control it.

“Everyone can enjoy a life of luxurious leisure if the machine-produced [robots] wealth is shared, or most people can end up miserably poor if the machine-owners successfully lobby against wealth redistribution. So far, the trend seems to be toward the second option, with technology driving ever-increasing inequality.”
― Stephen Hawking

Automation in Daily Life

A local area network (LAN) operates like an automated telephone company within a single building or group of buildings. Local area networks are generally capable of transmitting not only voice but also digital data between terminals in the system. Communications satellites have become essential for communicating telephone or video signals across great distances. Such communications would not be possible without the automated guidance systems that place and retain the satellites in predetermined orbits.

Automation has been applied in various ways in the transportation industries. Applications include airline reservation systems, automatic pilots in aircraft and locomotives, and urban mass-transit systems. The airlines use computerized reservation systems to continuously monitor the status of all flights.

Automation of service industries includes an assortment of applications as diverse as the services themselves, which include healthcare, banking and other financial services, government, and retail trade.

Consumer products ranging from automobiles to small appliances have been automated for the benefit of the user. Microwave ovens, washing machines, dryers, refrigerators, video recorders, and other modern household appliances typically contain a microprocessor that works as the computer controller for the device.

 New Innovation On the way

As North American auto show season kicked off last week in Detroit and Montreal, the steady stream of announcements from automakers painted a future that looks increasingly electrified and luxurious.

While Elon Musk and Tesla may be the highest-profile champions for sustainable transportation, many mainstream automakers are now going all in on electrification. Today, nearly every major automaker produces at least one hybrid or plug-in electric model. Soon, many automakers will have entirely electric fleets. Swedish automaker Volvo Cars announced last year that every vehicle it launches from 2019 onward will have an electric motor – either hybrid or fully battery-powered. Infiniti announced last week that it will introduce only fully or partially electric vehicles after 2021. And giants such as Ford, General Motors, and Daimler have all announced many billions of dollars of investments to launch dozens of new battery electric and fuel cell models in the next five years. Even Porsche and Lamborghini are working on electric supercars with the Mission E and Terzo Millennio respectively.

Automation and the Market

Nearly all industrial installations of automation, and in particular robotics, involve a replacement of human labor by an automated system. Therefore, one of the direct effects of automation on factory operations is the dislocation of human labor from the workplace. The long-term effects of automation on employment and unemployment rates are debatable.

Productivity is a fundamental economic issue that is influenced by automation. The productivity of a process is traditionally defined as the ratio of output units to the units of labor input. A properly justified automation project will increase productivity owing to increases in production rate and reductions in labor content. As automation has increased, there has developed a shortage of technically trained personnel to implement these technologies competently.

Automation technology, if used wisely and effectively, can yield substantial opportunities for the future. There is an opportunity to relieve humans from repetitive, hazardous, and unpleasant labor in all forms. And there is an opportunity for future automation technologies to provide a growing social and economic environment in which humans can enjoy a higher standard of living and a better way of life.

 

Why Is It Always About You ?

Julia was so glad that her husband phoned. He was away on business. It
was 11pm and she was in bed exhausted. It felt nice that he had thought
to call her. She had been through an unusually difficult day. After a full,
busy, stressful day at work, she rushed home to pick her son up from daycare, got supper ready, sitter arrived and then hurried downtown to her
night course to write the final exam for which she had been studying for
weeks. He talked about his sore squash injured shoulder, at length about
his work, and then about what a brilliant presentation he had delivered
that day and how everyone had congratulated him on it. She wondered
whether he remembered about her exam. The more he went on about
himself, the more deflated she began to feel. She began to realize that he
had not called to ask her about her day at all. As he was ready to end the
conversation, he said: “Can you pick up my shirts from the cleaners, as I
won’t have any time tomorrow.”

Why Is It Always About You?

We know individuals who are controlling, self-centered, egotistical and incapable of maintaining a peaceful and healthy relationship with the people around them. Such kinds always brag about their problems; about wrongdoing, the world has done to them, and moreover emotionally feeds on other’s misery.

Such individual personality is termed as Narcissism.

Understanding the Mind of the Narcissist

They are everywhere around you. They could be your friends, parents, a boss or maybe your life partner. Such people seem to have a very strong personality but lack lower self-esteem. They may appear superior to you, demanding and challenging outwardly. Emotionally, they may be dead inside, and hungering to be filled and validated by others. It’s obnoxious how such a behavior can affect an individual itself; as well the people around them involved emotionally.

Negative Symptoms

  • Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
  • Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
  • React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
  • Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
  • Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
  • Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
  • Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability, and humiliation

Positive Symptoms

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.
  • Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
  • Beliefs he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
  • Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

People with a good dose of adaptive narcissism can be self-sufficient, able to assume positions of leadership, and self-confident. They seem better able to cope with anxiety, particularly in social situations. A moderate amount of the right kind of narcissism can actually be beneficial to well-being.  In fact, researchers have identified the quality of adaptive narcissism.

College students with moderate narcissism scores seem less worried about having their bodies on view when they exercise in a group setting (Akehurst & Thatcher, 2010).  Even more, a study of adults carried out in the Netherlands found that individuals from 18 to 78 with higher narcissism scores were more likely to engage in physical activity.

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Having the “right degree” of narcissism may also help people attend to what they wear and how they groom themselves and therefore present a more professional image. For better or worse, people seeking jobs or promotions who spend a little more time honing their looks. People high in adaptive narcissism are also more likely to seek those jobs or promotions because their self-confidence leads them to aim high.

How to deal with a Narcissistic Personality?

If there is someone in your life with a narcissistic personality, knowing how to deal with her will make your relationship a whole lot easier. Forget about the normal rules of love or friendship when dealing with a narcissist. Whether it’s a spouse, friend, relative or colleague, the narcissist has the ability to drain your energy, make you doubt your own integrity and zap your self-confidence if you don’t know how to deal with her.

1. Recognize the Narcissistic Personality: The main quality a narcissist lacks is empathy, says Judith Horloff M.D. in “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life.” A narcissist will struggle to love unconditionally, have limited insight into his actions and feel no regret.

2. Focus on the positive:  If you’re in a close relationship with a narcissist, focus on her positive qualities. Horloff warns that getting intimately involved with a narcissist is likely to result in hurt and loneliness because she is simply not capable of genuine intimacy. But if you are already in love with or married to such a person, remind yourself of the reasons you fell for her in the first place. Accept that her narcissistic personality is part of the package and concentrate on her more endearing attributes.

3. Have Real Expectations: It’s necessary to accept that the narcissist in your life has emotional limits. Don’t ask her to be someone she is not or expects her to be a trusted confidante because she won’t put your feelings and sensitivities before her own.

4: Proper Way to Communicate:  Forget bending over backward to make a narcissist happy — you’re wasting your time. Having said that, successful communication with this personality type does require some amount of ego massaging. Making demands or displaying anger seldom works. For example, instead of telling your narcissistic partner she needs to go with you to a friend’s party because you don’t want to go alone, say something like “My friend really misses you and would love to see you.” If you’re already in a close relationship with a narcissist, this technique is the best way to get what you want from her.

“The  narc has been living in denial of their humanity and normal vulnerable feelings for so long there is an entire life time of unexpressed, repressed emotions rotting in the depths of their psyche. This is why they cannot stand to be alone. In that stillness they start to notice the stink coming up from the basement.”
― Richard GrannonHow to Take Revenge on a Narcissist: Take your power back by using the secret techniques of emotional manipulators – against them

Be better at Narcissism in a productive way.

little narcissism comes with a host of rewards. Feeling somewhat special and unique helps us persist in the face of failure, enjoy giving and receiving in relationships, and press on in pursuit of our grand dreams. It also helps us feel stronger, more resilient, and perhaps even extends our lives—when we feel great about ourselves, we tend to practice better self-care, too, including exercising more and eating well. Healthy narcissism lowers levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, making us less prone to the ravages of a frenzied life, including high blood pressure and heart disease. 

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In the end, that’s the greatest benefit of rethinking narcissism: when we recognize and enjoy the gifts of healthy narcissism, we empower ourselves to live happier, healthier, more fulfilling lives.

 

Clutter in the head and Hamburger in the hand

Too the times in our life, when we feel withdrawn away from the people around us. To the nights when we are wounded like an injured animal, finding our ways back to the base. Sometimes, you may feel anguish for the outcomes in your life based on your past choices. You’d wish that you had taken a different route on the journey towards your dreams and goals.

And all the right options you had to correct the situation from the past, you might have replayed it inside your head for the millions of times; cursing and blaming yourself or even the people around you.

Each of us goes through self-blaming and self-loathing at a certain point; in our life. And I feel that this constant struggle between our consciousness and emotions creates a great turmoil inside our system, leading us to suffer mentally and physically.

While some of us are dependent on our family and friends for the emotional support. Seeking help at a physiological level from our beloved once is soothing. But when you compare your actions and reactions with them; that equally cause insecurity and loneliness inside us. Comparison in terms of work, talent, sports, academically etcetera is liable for breaking down our self-esteem. Molecular Thoughts

We need to understand that what we have is extraordinary. For example, you might not have the most beautiful voice in the world. But you do have a voice. You’re gifted with a tone to speak. Words to express and speech to communicate. That’s something to be grateful about I guess.

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

One of my very close friend; I have always regarded him for his emotional intelligence. I have seen him channeling his emotions, and measuring his words in anger. Something I never had control over. I intended to know how he never let his emotions rule him and always be at ease.

He told me: “Even if we know inside our head what is going on, we are triggered by the same people, circumstances, and events. “

It’s like adding more fuel to the flames causing an explosion. If you’re aware of the emotional triggers that cause your reaction and view it as an outsider inside your own conscience. Probability is that you’ll able to take logical actions towards the situation and be at peace mentally.

IQ-Vs-EQ-1

I know that in today’s world it is hard. And each of us is going through stress and anxiety on the everyday basis. Few of us find comfort on social networking sites, surfing pages and lives of others for hours. Focus on your life and your reality, because the virtual world is always going to be an illusion.

What is your weakness? Take responsibility for your action. If you have hurt someone’s feelings, apologize directly- don’t ignore what you did or avoid another person. People are more willing to forget and forgive.

Examine how your actions will affect others before you take those actions. Ask your self, Do you become angry at other person or blame them, even when it is not their fault?  Do you react to the stressful situation? Do you become upset when something doesn’t happen the way you want?

The ability to stay calm and controlled in the difficult situation is highly valued. Keep your emotions control when things go wrong.  Educate your self-emotionally and be smart. Develop your EQ.

Take Care.

Adulthood

Someone once said: “youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief.”

When you look at the sky, you see the endless blue ocean. You try to figure out where it would end, and your rational mind would say “silly, blue is infinite!” That’s what our human life is like; stages from childhood to old age and in the end one last ragged breath,  before our body would go limp.

Being an adult is difficult, harsh sometimes.

Every morning, when I open my eyes to the so-called new day, I feel like closing them again and stay in bed. I want to curl up into a ball and forget what lies ahead of me. But, I get up anyway, and start my day; wishing for things to only get better.

I have got a busy life and routine from Monday to Friday. I am a sane person and I know what I want from my life, but there is this void growing inside me as a young woman.

One day I was over my best friend’s place, we were hanging out together catching up on what was going on in each other’s life. Out of blue, she asked me: “Pankti, are you happy?” I was puzzled by her intensity to read me so clearly. Yes, I was happy I told her. I had a loving family, friends and I was good at my academics. Life seems pretty much relaxed and smooth.

Later, that night I couldn’t sleep I was turning and twisting in my bed. Too tired to fall asleep, I was wide awake; thinking about my happiness.  I was not the same excited young girl when I was at 15. I didn’t laugh that very often. I was busy thinking about how many people counted on me. I felt responsible for not letting down the people who loved me. And somewhere in the middle of that, I lost myself. Sometimes growing up means you have to take the responsibility, you have to raise a kid, be a parent, work. Adulthood is indeed the most complicated phase of one’s life. Many people have so much stress of work and pressure to exceed in excellence that they have to survive on anti-depressant pills.

If I think in a logical sense, being an adult means I have to behave in a certain way. I have to be good at what I do. Eh? But I don’t think so, I think youth is a beautiful phase of life where we get our heart broken, we make mistakes but in the end, we grow. We all have regrets deep inside our heart. Things we can’t undo. Words, once said, cannot be taken back.

 

“When a child first catches adults out — when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just — his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child’s world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.”
John Steinbeck, East of Eden

 

And believe me, there are nights where each of us questions our purpose on this earth. We question our beliefs and there is no shame if you are confused; if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. That’s just fine. Because sometimes we just have to go with the flow to experience the zest of this journey.

I don’t know what adulthood would promise you, but I assure you that each of us has the capability to challenge our beliefs, to grow, to dream and to love.

Happy adulthood!

Love

Pankti

Death and Legacy

Shannon.L Alder once said “carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the mind of others and the stories they share about you.”

 

I was six, when I asked my mother, “What does death mean mommy?”  she answered “ death is not when you stop breathing sweetheart and the person you love walks to heaven, death is when you are reborn, breathing or not. ” I didn’t get her words back then neither I  do now. I have read about death, loss and rebirth stuff in religion or novels. But when it comes to my real life I have seen my grandmother died. I have seen her stop breathing that made me understood death is just a term to describe when a person’s heart fails his or her system.

I have been told to live as if today would be my last day. Every day I live I think of what I want to be remembered for. I am not afraid of my life ending the very next moment. That is easy for me to say because maybe I don’t have cancer or I don’t have a doctor telling me how much my life expectancy is.  On a serious note, I want you to ask yourself one question.

 Are you afraid of death?

What would you do if you had this very day to be alive? Would you tell people you love what they meant to you? Would you eat your favorite cuisine or read your favorite book one last time? Would you apologize for your mistakes?

If you ask me I don’t have a damn answer of above questions I asked you. Because I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to be dying. I don’t know how much agony it causes to know someone you love will be gone. And never again you are gonna hear them talk or hold their hand. There is someone out there fighting for each breath at the moment.

 I want to leave my legacy behind. Most of us want to. But apart from being remembered, I want to touch the lives of many. I want people to come out of their shell. To stop doubting and question their existence. Because each one of us has the right to be vulnerable. we fight with ourselves and we die. Our system doesn’t fail us. But our fears and regrets do. They are part of who we are. Our mistakes make us stronger.

Some of you may won’t be afraid of death. But I am. I don’t want to be dead while I am still breathing. At times, this life can be hard or unfair and things won’t work out the way it should. But believe me, there is something far better waiting for you ahead.

When you truly love someone, you are afraid to lose that person. I have trust issues when it comes to lose control over my emotion and let someone in. because once I loved and I got my heart-broken. I am not afraid to get my heart broken that I am scared to face emptiness and darkness all over again.

You may think I have a weak heart. I used to at least. But now sometimes my action hurt the people around me. I didn’t want to be cold-hearted but life forces you to take whatever it does for survival. If you had met me in a person you would have known me as every teenage girl. But when you ask yourself; who you are? You won’t get answers. You won’t get clarity that you want.

I am not afraid of death. But I am scared of the future. I am scared of letting someone close and get my barely healed heart get wounded again. I may be distant sometimes but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I really do. But sometimes you just need time to figure out who you are and what you want to be.

Make sure you get all your answers before summer ends. Because I am not yet giving up on death. I am gonna breathe and live.

 

Have a good summer.0e593a7df521c3d932480c867dfe114d

Love,

Pankti.

 

 

 

Searching For Answers.

My dear reader,
Have you ever felt lost? Not knowing where life is leading you and you have made all sorts of plans for your future. I tend to worry sometimes that all the happy plans I have planned out for my future ain’t enough. I need to do more. Not that I have to prove to anyone my capabilities of survival.
There are days where I would get up in the morning, have my favorite cup of black coffee, just a little bit darker. There’s little warmness in my chest that makes me think, everything is gonna work out the way it should.
You see my dear reader; I have a nature to control my life. There’s this saying go with the flow. I can’t easily lose control; it scares the shit out of me.

 

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My frustration is simple to define. I can’t keep up with the act of faking. People pretend all the time and they lie. I lie because it’s the easiest thing to do when my words fail to explain the war that has been going inside my heart. That’s what summer does me. I am not trying to live. I am just alive. Breathing, I am empty inside. Just empty.
In order to fit into the society and chasing my career, I have failed my attempts to be genuine with myself. Even smiling at a stranger these days seems to take a load of guts to do.

Yesterday I was at my favorite coffee bar, reading THE HISTORIAN by Elizabeth Kostova on my e-reader. It was a moment of solitude that I enjoy. That feeling of escaping the reality and imagining the story that may seem mere fiction to you.
My favorite time of day is dawn because that’s the most silent hour of the day where people aren’t rushing around. The beautiful sunrise, when it shines; it’s just another fine day.
I have been distant lately from everyone I love, but that’s just okay. I am lost and I need to find myself. I need to find my purpose. So one day when I’ll wake up, I no longer have to question my life, I’ll have my answers.
I am going to ask you now. Have you ever felt lost? Because if you haven’t its time to look inside yourself and take a break to make sure you are alive. And not just living.

Have a good summer.

 

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