My dear reader,
Have you ever felt lost? Not knowing where life is leading you and you have made all sorts of plans for your future. I tend to worry sometimes that all the happy plans I have planned out for my future ain’t enough. I need to do more. Not that I have to prove to anyone my capabilities of survival.
There are days where I would get up in the morning, have my favorite cup of black coffee, just a little bit darker. There’s little warmness in my chest that makes me think, everything is gonna work out the way it should.
You see my dear reader; I have a nature to control my life. There’s this saying go with the flow. I can’t easily lose control; it scares the shit out of me.
My frustration is simple to define. I can’t keep up with the act of faking. People pretend all the time and they lie. I lie because it’s the easiest thing to do when my words fail to explain the war that has been going inside my heart. That’s what summer does me. I am not trying to live. I am just alive. Breathing, I am empty inside. Just empty.
In order to fit into the society and chasing my career, I have failed my attempts to be genuine with myself. Even smiling at a stranger these days seems to take a load of guts to do.
Yesterday I was at my favorite coffee bar, reading THE HISTORIAN by Elizabeth Kostova on my e-reader. It was a moment of solitude that I enjoy. That feeling of escaping the reality and imagining the story that may seem mere fiction to you.
My favorite time of day is dawn because that’s the most silent hour of the day where people aren’t rushing around. The beautiful sunrise, when it shines; it’s just another fine day.
I have been distant lately from everyone I love, but that’s just okay. I am lost and I need to find myself. I need to find my purpose. So one day when I’ll wake up, I no longer have to question my life, I’ll have my answers.
I am going to ask you now. Have you ever felt lost? Because if you haven’t its time to look inside yourself and take a break to make sure you are alive. And not just living.
Have a good summer.