Searching For Answers.

Posted bypanktishuklaPosted inUncategorized

My dear reader,
Have you ever felt lost? Not knowing where life is leading you and you have made all sorts of plans for your future. I tend to worry sometimes that all the happy plans I have planned out for my future ain’t enough. I need to do more. Not that I have to prove to anyone my capabilities of survival.
There are days where I would get up in the morning, have my favorite cup of black coffee, just a little bit darker. There’s little warmness in my chest that makes me think, everything is gonna work out the way it should.
You see my dear reader; I have a nature to control my life. There’s this saying go with the flow. I can’t easily lose control; it scares the shit out of me.

 

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My frustration is simple to define. I can’t keep up with the act of faking. People pretend all the time and they lie. I lie because it’s the easiest thing to do when my words fail to explain the war that has been going inside my heart. That’s what summer does me. I am not trying to live. I am just alive. Breathing, I am empty inside. Just empty.
In order to fit into the society and chasing my career, I have failed my attempts to be genuine with myself. Even smiling at a stranger these days seems to take a load of guts to do.

Yesterday I was at my favorite coffee bar, reading THE HISTORIAN by Elizabeth Kostova on my e-reader. It was a moment of solitude that I enjoy. That feeling of escaping the reality and imagining the story that may seem mere fiction to you.
My favorite time of day is dawn because that’s the most silent hour of the day where people aren’t rushing around. The beautiful sunrise, when it shines; it’s just another fine day.
I have been distant lately from everyone I love, but that’s just okay. I am lost and I need to find myself. I need to find my purpose. So one day when I’ll wake up, I no longer have to question my life, I’ll have my answers.
I am going to ask you now. Have you ever felt lost? Because if you haven’t its time to look inside yourself and take a break to make sure you are alive. And not just living.

Have a good summer.

 

26 thoughts on “Searching For Answers.”

  3. I like this post. I like it a lot. I like the question, and then I like your reassuring response when you answer it. The whole time I was thinking, ‘I can relate, I can relate’, and then your ending was just so calming, so beautifully written.

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  4. Right now at this moment in my life I am in the same situation what you are.I don’t know my passion, don’t know what to select but the society around always have their opinion ready.Everyday I pray to God for the betterment of my life.
    On a serious note you have written it very beautifully.

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    1. Thank you sweetheart! But i do believe some day we are gonna look back and make it okay?! And be proud of ourselves. Whatever you decide I am gonna be there for you. Always. Remember that! I love you.

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      1. Yeah one day we will do something that would make are parents proud.Thank you for always handling my shit.
        Love you so much!

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  5. Sometimes we also need to be alone, it’s not that we elude from reality of life, but to know ourselves deeply where we currently at, and where are we going. It’s all part of life that once in our lives, we feel lost and we are confounded about what life is trying to deal with us.

    Great blog post!

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  6. Have just seen this post young lady …..you are a beautiful and thoughtful writer …and YES ….we find the answers …or at least feel less lost …in moments of silence ….even if we can only fit in 10 minutes a day …and YES early morning is the best time to find that small space of energising peace in what can often seem like a crazy world:):):):):):)

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      1. You’re welcome …love your blog ….we ALL have those periods of doubt …..a loss of direction’ or a challenging period in our lives that we have no choice but to go with ….just keep surrendering to those moments of silence and keep writing …you’re doing wonderfully:)

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  7. We all have those moments of feeling lost, and of questioning where we are in life, and whether we are being true to ourselves. Those periods are a common part of the human experience. What helps one to find direction and purpose may not help the next person, as our lives and values may differ so much.

    As for not being able to keep up with “faking it,” here is a thought — there are two kinds of “faking it.” One is deceptive, and involves pretending to be someone you are not in order to create a false illusion or achieve some end. That is one that does not sit well with me at all. But the other kind of “faking it” can be a good thing. That is the kind where, if your authentic self happens to be a smartass Dr. House type , you choose to behave in a polite and caring way to other people, for their sake. Or you prefer to stay silent, but you push yourself to participate in class. Or if your “true self” enjoys swearing like a sailor, but you swallow those words and use more palatable language around certain groups of people. That kind of faking is less about not being true to yourself, and more about shaping yourself into becoming a better version of you.

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  8. you have written the reality. Sometimes or many of the times nothing goes right and all the plans fail. I completely agree with the isolating stuff as I tend to do it to maintain the composure and not to look vulnerable. But this solitude makes me to come back stronger than before.It is okay. If plan A fails we still have 25 letters remaining.

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  9. This is only my second post, but I enjoy your self-reflections. I, too, enjoy the solace of rising early and reading the paper and online news over coffee.

    As for people figuring stuff out, I think we all have varying degrees of uncertainty and angst. I encourage folks to not let their work to define them and find your passion and feed your interests. If it is helping mentor kids or being an environmentalist, go do more of that.

    Best wishes on your endeavors. As Paul McCartney once said “The movement you need is on your shoulders.” Keith

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    1. You have such a positive perspective towards live keith. I wish people would be more grateful for chances they have to startover their life. While other choose to moan. Its such a competative world. Parents wanting kids to graduate and get a good job. Grades ! And maintaing good GPA . Its just amount of pressure pilling up at work or at school.

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      1. Thanks. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but the pressures and competition will always be there, it is how we react that is key. I tell my adult children, the youngest who are in college, that no one owes you anything and we are all expendable. So, the do the best you can at whatever you are asked to do and thank people when they offer their help. You said you like coffee. I have an old friend who used to say “you can never have enough cups of coffee with people.” That was his way of staying connected and thanking people for helping him.

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      2. I m engineering student too. Your words are indeed true. Youth is sometimes hard to live. All the first’s and heartbreak you got to experience. But i am sure when i look back to my journey when i am older. I can tell my kids how wonderful journey it is to grow up. And every lil obstacle you face and turn it down makes you just wiser ans nothing less.

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  10. Lovely post pankti!!!
    I cannot say i feel lost but yes there are times when i am quite and thats when i am self introspecting my inner self… The only time when i am quite( or to say lost) is when i wake up. I spend some minutes in silent contemplation‚ focusing on all the good things in my life‚ discarding the bad ones mentally and envisioning the day that is about to unfold. And that perhaps influences and enlightens every minute of my day. 🙂

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  11. “…everything is gonna work out the way it should.”

    Yes, this is the correct attitude. I do not avoid taking the steps I’ve planned but the results are up to God. That reduces my anxiety somewhat. Some things are beyond my control. That may be troubling but it is liberating at the same time.

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