Death and Legacy

Shannon.L Alder once said “carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the mind of others and the stories they share about you.”

 

I was six, when I asked my mother, “What does death mean mommy?”  she answered “ death is not when you stop breathing sweetheart and the person you love walks to heaven , death is when you are reborn , breathing or not. ” I didn’t get her words back then neither I  do now. I have read about death, loss and rebirth stuff in religion or novels. But when it comes to my real life I have seen my grandmother died. I have seen her stop breathing that made me understood death is just a term to describe when a person’s heart fails his or her system.

 

I have been told to live as if today would be my last day. Every day I live I think of what I want to  be remembered for. I am not afraid of my life ending the very next moment. That is easy for me to say because maybe I don’t have cancer or I don’t have a doctor telling me how much my life expectancy is.  On a serious note I want you to ask yourself one question.

 

Are you afraid of death?

What would you do if you had this very day to be alive? Would you tell people you love what they meant to you? Would you eat your favorite cuisine or read your favorite book one last time? Would you apologize for your mistakes?

If you ask me I don’t have a damn answer of above questions I asked you. Because I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to be dying. I don’t know how much agony it causes to know someone you love will be gone. And never again you are gonna hear them talk or hold their hand. There is someone out there fighting for each breath at the moment.

 

I want to leave my legacy behind. Most of us wants to. But apart from being remembered, I want to touch lives of many. I want people to come out of their shell. To stop doubting and question their existence. Because each one of us has right to be vulnerable. we fight with ourselves and we die. Our system doesn’t fail us. But our fears and regrets do. They are part of who we are . Our mistakes   makes us stronger.

Some of you may won’t be afraid of death. But I am . I don’t want to be dead while I am still breathing. At times, this life can be hard or unfair and things won’t work out the way it should. But believe me, there is something  far better waiting for you ahead.

When you truly love someone , you are afraid to lose that person . I have trust issues when it comes to lose control over my emotion and let someone in. because once I loved and I got my heart-broken . I am not afraid to get my heart broken but I am scared to face emptiness and darkness all over again.

You may think I have a weak heart. I used to at least. But now sometimes my action hurt people around me. I didn’t want to be cold-hearten but life forces you to take whatever it does for survival. If you had met me in a person you would have known me as every teenage girl. But when you ask yourself; who you are ? You won’t get answers. You won’t get clarity that you want.

I am not afraid of death. But I am scared of future. I am scared of letting someone close and get my barely healed heart get wounded again. I may be distant sometimes but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I really do. But sometimes you just need time to figure out who you are and what you want to be.

Make sure you get all your answers before summer ends. Because I am not yet giving up on death . I am gonna breathe and live.

 

Have a good summer.0e593a7df521c3d932480c867dfe114d

Love ,

Pankti.

 

 

 

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A Year!

A story to be told….

Another year comes to an end. Where we are entering a new fresh year. We are hopeful; we make plans, resolution and commitments. Promises to begin new and forget the mistakes of past. What if I say I can’t move on? I still ain’t sure for this upcoming year. I am scared.

 

Sometimes in life, you just wish to be frozen in a moment. You don’t want to move forward neither you want to look back at your past. Just stay there, in that particular moment of your life.

“… so this is for us.
This is for us who sing, write, dance, act, study, run and love
and this is for doing it even if no one will ever know
because the beauty is in the act of doing it.
Not what it can lead to.
This is for the times I lose myself while writing, singing, playing
and no one is around and they will never know
but I will forever remember
and that shines brighter than any praise or fame or glory I will ever have,
and this is for you who write or play or read or sing
by yourself with the light off and door closed
when the world is asleep and the stars are aligned
and maybe no one will ever hear it
or read your words
or know your thoughts
but it doesn’t make it less glorious.
It makes it ethereal. Mysterious.
Infinite.
For it belongs to you and whatever God or spirit you believe in
and only you can decide how much it meant
and means
and will forever mean
and other people will experience it too
through you.
Through your spirit. Through the way you talk.
Through the way you walk and love and laugh and care
and I never meant to write this long
but what I want to say is:
Don’t try to present your art by making other people read or hear or see or touch it; make them feel it. Wear your art like your heart on your sleeve and keep it alive by making people feel a little better. Feel a little lighter. Create art in order for yourself to become yourself
and let your very existence be your song, your poem, your story.
Let your very identity be your book.
Let the way people say your name sound like the sweetest melody.

So go create. Take photographs in the wood, run alone in the rain and sing your heart out high up on a mountain
where no one will ever hear
and your very existence will be the most hypnotising scar.
Make your life be your art
and you will never be forgotten.”
Charlotte Eriksson

 

I have made a To-Do list for this upcoming year, because life is short and I don’t wanna ruin my present worrying about my future and regretting my past. Holding back my fear of uncertainties; I am sure of one thing that no matter how hard you fall; you always get the strength to get up and fight.

If you could look from my perspective, I see this life as a gift to humankind. They say the soul is immortal, but our soul feels emotion. So does that means our feelings are immortal too? That’s bullshit right!?

 

It’s just another year. Every year has a story of tears, achievements, laugh, regret…. Emotions are immortal as soul. That’s what I believe. And somewhere you would feel the same.

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What’s your story for this New Year? And what memories are you gonna cherish next New Year? It’s totally up to you!

Right now I am frozen in my moment of happiness, the moment of hope and a belief that life couldn’t be much perfect than it is; in this moment of the new year.

#DreamOn

May you have a great story to share next New Year eve!

Love,

Pankti

 

 

 

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve.

Have you ever wonder how life would be if you had no family to care for you, no friends to share your grief, happiness and no dreams to chase for?
It would be an empty life.
I have been blessed with incredible family, and psychotic friends always cracking jokes on me; how nutshell my brain is!
But there are times in your life where you feel you’re lost in a maze and no matter how hard you try to find a way, to cope; your attempts are restless. That’s how I feel as If I am in a labyrinth and there’s no way out of it. My all hopes and dreams are lost in this winter solstice.
“Under the mistletoe” by Justin Beiber is playing on my iPod reminding me that today is Christmas Eve.

Rule 13

Try not to resist the changes, which come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come? – Shams Of Tabriz

I have been to church this morning singing Christmas carols and wishing everyone around. It’s joyous down here. Gives me kinda hope that everything is alright. But I only know bequeath me the fear of unknown.
When it comes to memory there are three categories: things I want to forget, things I can’t forget, and things I forgot I’d forgotten until I remember them.
I can’t think of a moment when I have broken form, become another version of myself that I want and need to forget. I am always the same. If you’ve met me you know me; there’s not much more of me accept I read more like a maniac always have head into a book because that’s what keeps me going. It keeps me alive or barely alive I should say.
I follow the rules of who I know myself to be and can’t seem to be anything else, not even in the moments of great stress when surely a meltdown would be acceptable. I think this is why I admire it so much in others and I remember what they choose to forget.
I am good at reading another person’s eyes. They let me knows their dark fears, their dreams and hopes. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror. I see a pair of golden brown eyes staring at me. When I try to read them, all I can see is nothingness. I never look at my reflection anymore. It scares me.
I wish I could explain you this feeling of numbness. I could have given everything I had to find the sunshine bristling on my hair, my skin and my eyes; making me feel alive. But I have nothing to give; believe my soul. And if you could take my soul I would be grateful from the bottom of my heart.
Out of character? No. I fully believe that even a sudden change in a person’s behavior is within the confines of their nature. That part of us is present the whole time, lying dormant, just waiting for its moment to be revealed.
Including me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,christmas_lights_wallpaper_6873899.jpg

Pankti.